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Posted on May 15, 2013 in Ketilave | 0 comments

UPDATE:Giving up Birth

UPDATE: Some of my feelings have changed a bit after being up most the of the night with my awesome nephew.

Ugh…. One evening when I finally got the kids down I watched “Call the Midwife” and had a big old pity party. Apparently there is a part of me that is a little sad about the hysterectomy. The midwives, the home birth, the beautiful babies brought back the emotions of the births of my five kids. And those were some pretty big emotions that always left me blissfully happy and completely exhausted which all came rushing back to me. I gave birth to B just before my 26th birthday and now with my 37th birthday just weeks away I close the door on that part of my life.

*Funny enough B was a c-section and I worked hard to make sure my other births were not.

**And truly funny…I asked if I could bring my uterus home to plant with the placentas. The doctor was a little thrown off and apparently it’s a bit more complicated than placentas.

Posted on May 12, 2013 in Ketilave, Mommyhood | 0 comments

Mother’s Day 2013

A not too public (but now really public) fact is that I need to have a hysterectomy. 5 kids, of which I delivered my first via c-section and then was focused on no more surgeries, my child bearing years come to an end at 36.

I’m not complaining. My quality of life has taken a pretty big hit and we don’t plan on having any more kids. In all honesty I’ve had a quirky approach to the whole thing. I don’t want it to just be surgical. After years with a phenomenal midwife, blessingways, an amazing friend attending a birth and buried placentas a boring modern “take it out and throw it away” surgery just seems wrong.

If this is the path I’m on I don’t just want to check in to a hospital and 4 days later walk away as if nothing happened. Let’s be honest my uterus has served me well. And now I need to mourn the loss of my uterus. I need to honor they incredible work it has done. Tomorrow that will be part of the conversation I have with my doctor.

Posted on Aug 2, 2012 in blogging, Ketilave | 0 comments

The Road Ahead

What lies ahead?

I’m on the train to NYC headed to BlogHer 12. Funny considering how long it has been since I have posted on my own blog. I have been busy building sites for others and learning about new opportunities.

The true motivation to attend BlogHer is to meet some of my favorite people. Women who have become dear friends although many of us have never met. For years (I can’t believe it) this group has been a part of lonely nights at home as Mike travelled, parenting highs and lows, and our own personal highs a lows.

This trip will also be a major marker as I leave my days of being a SAHM/WAHM and return to full time employment outside the home. I am full of emotions and reflection. Part of embracing the journey ahead is looking back at all the steps that got me where I am today.

Posted on Nov 23, 2010 in Acceptance, Ketilave | 0 comments

Love Bigger Than You Live

I don’t pretend to be perfect. I have faults. Plenty of them. I like to stay behind the scenes in the hopes of you not seeing the mistakes. I don’t want to be perfect I just hate to let you down.

I still feel this way. It’s just not life or death. I will not DIE of embarrassment. But I tried.

In December 1994 I tried to kill myself. I would have been successful if it was not for one person who fought for me. That same person is on her way to my house tonight and all day I have eagerly awaited her arrival. Not simply because she knows me – the good, the bad and the ugly; but because she represents my overwhelming gratitude. That she knew there is so much more to life. That I had so much more ahead of me. That in your darkest hour someone else can and will pick you up and carry you.

As the mom of 5 amazing kids I often reflect back on the night my parents received a call in the middle of the night in Beijing, China that their daughter was in the ICU because she tried to kill herself. As a mom who LOVES her kids so much it stops me from breathing at times I can’t imagine what is was like to fly halfway across the world scared and angry. But I am so grateful I have the chance to know that kind of love. And give that kind of love.

I am so grateful that I can cook a meal for 15. That although my sister and parents can’t be with me I can call or Skype them. That I have incredible friends who save me every day by dropping off a quiche, sending a quick text “thinking of you” or even adding me to their weird email FWDs.

I did not dream nor hope for this path I’m on. I was never capable of imagining where my life would go. I’m so glad to have people in my life whose imaginations are so much greater than mine.

I am so grateful that in my weakest moments I am surrounded by strength.

Posted on Nov 7, 2010 in Acceptance, Ketilave, Mommyhood, Passably Parenting | 3 comments

Modern Parenting is Today

A friend posted on her Facebook wall a post about Modern Motherhood. I didn’t read the link. I HATE the attempt to define or pigeon hole parenting.

Parenting truly is day by day. Each day I wake up hoping to do a better job than the day before. Each day I learn a little more about myself and each of my kids. The only time I have ever been able to sit back and plan how I was going to parent one of my children was the 9mos when the kid was keeping warm in my rock solid uterus. Because when each child arrived all bets were off. Not only can we not predict the personality of each child we can not predict how different experiences and relationships will affect who they become.

Just as our identities shift based on the interactions/experiences in our lives so does our parenting. I certainly don’t parent the younger two the way I did the older three. I definitely do not parent the same when financially we are strong versus financially we are combing the cars and furniture for spare change. At times I feel guilt, I feel isolated or detached from my “former” self. But those are often warning signs that I am letting a role become my identity and not simply a part of who I am. It is also important to be open about those feelings so as my kids grow and make choices in their own life they understand that mother, worker, wife, friend, volunteer are roles they will have in their lives, at times some parts being larger than others, but none will/should define them.

Motherhood/Parenting is about adaptation. Just as it has always been.

Posted on Oct 2, 2010 in holidays, Ketilave, shopping | 3 comments

Wish List – Updated October 2010

I love to shop. The other me’s dream job is a buyer. I feel conflicted with my “go back to school, live abroad and work in international health care” self and the “OMG, I love it, gotta have it” self.

With Mother’s Day and my birthday looming and the “what do you wan”t questions that come with it I’ve decided to be proactive and give my family (who am I kidding just – my mom, sister and SIL) a list of what I really want!

Anything from Portobello like the amazing Rainforest turqoise and flowers necklace.
Burberry Quilted Jacket – I like the shorter ones. Well, because I am short.
Valentine Large Duffel from Cole Haan
I’m not a YSL girl but I LOVE this bag!!
A classic must have – patent slingba ck peep-toe pump
A Diane von Furstenburg wrap dress AT LEAST one black and one print!
ECCO Bouillion Ballerina Flat (black I already have the red ) and Boullion Buckle Flat (espresso) These flats are perfect everyday shoe and hold up great in rainy weather.
Elemis Pro-Collagen Marine Cream – I love this stuff.

Of course I have to update my wish dream list as the hints of Fall finally arrive!

Another pair of Frye Boots! Frye Dorado Low in Grey
Burberry Nylon Check Tote
Chanel Bag – Does it really matter? I have a number I want to I will just link to they latest collections. The image I am using is to Fashionphile.com - OH MY!
Jackie Fit Double-Face Wool Jacket from Talbots
Canvas 1963 Trip Bag - This is a great weekender and perfect for male/female use! Lands’ End Canvas Line – So many great things and affordable!
Of course new jeans but I have not tried any on that I am in LOVE with so I have been sticking with Levi’s and Lucky Brand Jeans