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Posted on Aug 16, 2011 in A, Kids, Passably Parenting | 0 comments

Bee-side Myself: Helping Deal with Anxiety

This summer A’s fear of stinging insects has hit an all time high. It’s FEAR. Pure fear. Paralyzing fear. Dry heaving fear. Heart racing fear.

MAKSIM The World Premiere Performance.- Rachmaninoff-Rimsky-Korsakoff:Flight of the Bumble Bee. (A said this is exactly how her heart feels when she sees a stinging insect!)

At first I was sympathetic and then I became frustrated. A is known to be a bit dramatic (no idea where she got that!) and be very emotional so I thought it was just another phase to get through. Then she went to an outdoors camp. She had a panic attack and they called us. They worked through it and she stayed. We talked to the staff and they were very supportive. It was not until the parent visitation day that we realized how bad things were for A.

We have been working on this all summer. It’s been tough because A has missed out on things (she didn’t earn her badge at camp) and it’s had an impact on the family as we have had to leave events or split up. I’ve struggled to let her go to the pool or other places with friends because I don’t want her to be an extra burden on another parent.

As with most things for my kids I want to fix this for her but I can’t. The best thing I can do is give her the tools and support. Trying to fix it only made things worse. It was like extra pressure on her. The other thing I realised is that I was not modeling how to deal with stress and anxiety.

One of the tools we were given is the book, What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety which A and I work through to understand what her fears/anxieties are and how to address them one by one. It has also been one of those parenting experiences when my child holds a mirror up to me. As we worked through the book she often brought up my anxiety/stress and I used the opportunity to be honest and share how I deal (try to deal) with my stress. When A told me her stress was like large stinging insects swirling around her head I told her mine were like giant bricks, each brick a different worry, that sat on my shoulder weighing me down. That made a lot of sense to her and she opened up – she was not just worried about stinging insects but school, reading and some of “mean girl” issues she had at school last year.

We haven’t erased A’s fears but we have stopped them from escalating. She has tools that help her deal with her fears and anxieties and we have a plan for school or when she is away from home. It takes strength to overcome your fears and maturity to be open to talk about them. A doesn’t realise those gifts at this age but they are beautiful insights into the woman she can become.

Posted on Aug 12, 2011 in Acceptance, blogging, Passably Parenting | 4 comments

Reviving Ketilave Again

My last post mentions feeling overwhelmed. As a mom, wife, sister, daughter and friend I had nothing left to give. I felt I was going a thousand directions and doing none of it well. I’m taking another leap of faith and putting myself out there. Because talking helps. Because I can’t and won’t pretend that life is perfect. Not for myself nor for my kids. Pretending does not make things better.

I know the bottom did not fall out on my life. It’s been a culmination of things that I tried to work through instead of live through. As I told my family,

I feel like I’m climbing the side of a cliff as rocks rain down on me and the wind batters me. I keep trying to hold on relying on alternating areas of strength until they each are so fatigued I’m not sure where to muster the strength any more.

I hate to fail. I hate to be weak. I feel I am all those things. And I don’t know where to gather my strength anymore.

I am lost and tired and so unhappy. It’s not any one thing. I think it’s years of things accumulating, putting it all aside (like an attic) and when you go to face it you are just so overwhelmed.

I don’t want to or try to be mean or angry. It’s fatigue, stress, anxiety bundled so tightly that when it all snaps it’s violent like a large band giving. And the breaking point is so sensitive now. Every nerve is constantly firing away, my head is never silent, and the kids whining and complaining just starts me shaking.

None of this is an excuse. I just kept thinking, “I’ll get up tomorrow. Work harder. Work smarter.” But it’s not coming this time. I didn’t listen to my warning signs and now I just can’t figure out how to fix it.

So, I have spent the last few months pulling myself back to solid ground. I had to ask my husband to take on more responsibility, I had to be honest with friends and family and I started having fun. Doing the things I liked to do.

It’s been summer so there have been less demands on me. As we gear up to go back to school and all the activities I can feel the anxiety rise. But I’ve decided I’m going to keep being honest and ask for help (this may be difficult) and I’m going to focus on enjoying life instead of worker harder (a little less difficult because once you have fun you want more!).

This blog is going to shift. Instead of being stuck in the black hole of who am I, what am I doing with my life, how can I make it better blah, blah, blah…….. I’m going to OWN my life. At friggin’ 35 I better start liking myself because I have a whole lot of life ahead of me. Yes, there will be a lot about parenting – because that is what I do all day every day. But I also enjoy doing things outside the home. I feel the need to volunteer because I like to work. But I’m greedy enough to admit I want to only do it on my terms. And just because I am a SAHM that likes to cook it doesn’t make me a dowdy housewife. Plus, this blog is how I get to push my skills with WordPress!

But, I ask those that do come here to read my words. If I sound like I’m complaining. If the posts get too down. Raise the warning flag. Because sometimes I can’t see through the fog.

I have and continue to seek professional help. I have not felt suicidal but I did post about my experience in college. I’m not a health care professional but if you feel overwhelmed, exhausted and struggle to get through each day reach out to a professional and/or friends and family. Don’t struggle alone.

Posted on Nov 7, 2010 in Acceptance, Ketilave, Mommyhood, Passably Parenting | 3 comments

Modern Parenting is Today

A friend posted on her Facebook wall a post about Modern Motherhood. I didn’t read the link. I HATE the attempt to define or pigeon hole parenting.

Parenting truly is day by day. Each day I wake up hoping to do a better job than the day before. Each day I learn a little more about myself and each of my kids. The only time I have ever been able to sit back and plan how I was going to parent one of my children was the 9mos when the kid was keeping warm in my rock solid uterus. Because when each child arrived all bets were off. Not only can we not predict the personality of each child we can not predict how different experiences and relationships will affect who they become.

Just as our identities shift based on the interactions/experiences in our lives so does our parenting. I certainly don’t parent the younger two the way I did the older three. I definitely do not parent the same when financially we are strong versus financially we are combing the cars and furniture for spare change. At times I feel guilt, I feel isolated or detached from my “former” self. But those are often warning signs that I am letting a role become my identity and not simply a part of who I am. It is also important to be open about those feelings so as my kids grow and make choices in their own life they understand that mother, worker, wife, friend, volunteer are roles they will have in their lives, at times some parts being larger than others, but none will/should define them.

Motherhood/Parenting is about adaptation. Just as it has always been.

Posted on Oct 11, 2010 in Acceptance, Passably Parenting | 1 comment

Addressing Bullying

October is National Bullying Prevention Month and Cyber Security Month

I’m not the first person to write about bullying and I probably won’t be the last (I wish I was). I may not get a number of Facebook posts, blog posts or reTweets. But I speak and act in the hope of reaching 1 person and if I am lucky 5. My 5.

I have my stories of mean kids saying and doing mean things. Things that still eat at me today as an adult – am I a bitch?, how fat am I, are my ears uneven, do I have a funny accent, legs that jiggle (watch them wiggle). Doubts and insecurities that I have to work to overcome and I still struggle because I cannot quite silence those old voices.

As a mom I constantly wonder what I can do to protect my children, to comfort their wounds and make sure that not only are they not the bully but they don’t stand silently aside.

Write your child a letter. A heart wrenching honest letter about how your feelings have been hurt, how low you felt, how alone, sad and scared you felt. And how you survived. Date it and put it away. There have been so many times when I have wanted to throw away my journals. I have been embarrassed by my actions in the past or the words on the page reignite the pain caused by others. But I keep them for my children. To help them understand that I was a child and have been through many of the things they are going through. I can’t tell them in my “old age” that I understand so instead I have chosen to let them feel how well I understand.

Empower your kids to stand up for others. It is so hard to potentially make yourself a target. We often don’t stand up for others as adults so how can we expect that of our children. Be strong and share that strength with your children. We must be the example. We must be the person we want others to be. When I talk to my kids about standing up for others, giving up their wants for others needs, about kindness and generosity I remind them that some day we may need to reach out to our community.

Posted on Oct 1, 2010 in Acceptance, Passably Parenting | 2 comments

Solitary Confinement

"We miss you!" Sent to Mike while he is on the road.

This is one of those weeks when Mike has been gone all week. Not just a couple of nights like most weeks but gone on Monday and hoping to return on Friday evening kind of week. This is not surprising to us. We signed up for this. Providing for a family of 8 (no I’m not pregnant; don’t forget Sarah plus her support) and all our activities plus interest in travel requires a substantial amount of money. Add the time frame when Mike was “underemployed” and well, like many American families, we are finding ourselves in a keep your head above water/recovery place.

We keep telling each other the harder we work the better off we will be. And I truly believe that as I have my parents and my aunt and uncle to look to. I remember how much my dad and uncle travelled. I remember over hearing my mom and aunt talk about how tired they were, the stress of money, the loneliness and of course just being sick of it all. But I also look at how both couples are still together, who have raised great kids and now have some great grandkids coming along.

This week I struggled to keep it all together and being homebound because of the rain did not help. I had to let go of some of my obsession about a neat house, I had to recognize that my kids’ moods were because they missed their dad too, and I wanted to not just survive the week but make it as great and normal as any other week.

And it’s hard because when we decided to have kids we both wanted to be highly involved in their lives. I want to raise kids with Mike not alone. And, Mike, the one thing he didn’t want was to be gone all the time like his dad. Mike’s sacrifice is the one that gets me the most. Because although I feel isolated I am not alone.

« Older Entries

Bee-side Myself: Helping Deal with Anxiety

Reviving Ketilave Again

Modern Parenting is Today

Addressing Bullying

Solitary Confinement

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